Report Cards

Issue 5 and Volume 110.

School will be out soon and report cards will be coming home. Here’s a guide to help you interpret what those teachers’ comments really mean:

1. Your son has a remarkable ability to gather information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitality.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He’s one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all quarter.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument?

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He’s a bully.

9. A real nature lover who rarely misses the chance to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.