10. Alien space vessels keep docking in his driveway to recharge their warp drives.
9. A sharp “tzing” and scream of pain from next door tells you the meter-reader has lost another finger to the kilowatt wheel.
8. All metal objects in neighborhood point toward their family room.
7. Always has the stereo blasting the whole time he’s vacuuming the yard.
6. Armored truck delivers the monthly bill as a leather-bound 14-volume set.
5. You’ve been reduced to plugging the toaster into the cat and rubbing him on the wall just to make breakfast.
4. Him: sun-tanning by the pool. You: still shoveling snow.
3. Ghost of Tom Edison moaning and circling the cupola.
2. He looks around nervously and gives a half-hearted laugh when you suggest his kids be “grounded.”
1. Cleans his pool by bringing it to a rolling boil for 30 minutes.
Copyright 2001 by Chris White
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