Issue 4 and Volume 103.

A radio station recently held a contest for people to submit their theories on any subject. Here are the winning entries:

4th Runner-Up (Subject: Probability Theory)

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If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world`s great literary works in Braille.

3rd Runner-Up (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)

Yawning is contagious because you yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people`s ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd Runner-Up (Subject: Symbolic Logic)

The Peoples Republic of China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st Runner-Up (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater`s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously too fast.

Honorable Mention (Subject: Linguistics)

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks his cah,” the lost R`s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl” wells.

Grand Prize Winner (Subject: Perpetual Motion)

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using giant buttered toast/cat arrays, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.